—You slept with my best friend.
—There was still some hummus in the fridge when I went to work this morning.
—The front of my pants are now covered in water that was recently in a puddle.
—You denied my membership application to the condo board.
—Mother thinks I’m being irresponsible.
—She wouldn’t like my new girlfriend.
—But Mother’s in a hospital bed.
—She’s still proud of me.
—Playing checkers with rubber gloves because you don’t want to damage your checkers set.
—Rewriting the lyrics to your favorite album so it no longer makes you sad.
—Giving away all your aspartame.
—Making sure it’s fully drained.
—It’s true. Just look at my shirt. You would never be able to pull off this type of fabric.
—My girlfriend will flirt with you, but you’re never going to get anywhere. Not with that kind of complexion.
—I speak with style. You speak by blowing hot air through your meatflaps.
—I’m sorry, but that’s just the way things are.