pareidolia

A Dialogue

One: I have been dras­ti­cally underused.

Two: You have, indeed. Tell me again, whose pur­pose is it that you wish to serve?

One: My own.

Two: I see. So you haven’t been uti­lized to your fullest?

One: Not at all.

Two: Well, then. I assume this makes you unhappy.

One: Quite.

Two: What do you intend to do about it?

One: Noth­ing. I’ve tried some things and noth­ing seems to work.

Two: Like what?

One: I tried sell­ing myself on the street. No one was buying.

Two: I’m sorry.

One: That’s quite alright. Next I tried pur­chas­ing my services.

Two: For yourself?

One: Yes. You can see straight away what sort of bind that left me in.

Two: Indeed. I once tried to buy a hot dog from myself and it ended in tears.

One: After that I went on a soul-​​searching quest. 

(pause)

Two: And?

One: I found noth­ing out.

Two: Rats.

One: Tell me about it. I started ask­ing my friends for advice–

Two: You have friends? I was unaware.

One: A few, yes. They mostly ignored me, I think they were too busy watch­ing foot­ball or something.

Two: Yes, I’m famil­iar with the game.

One: Well, not me, I thought I was merely being obtuse.

Two: No, not at all. It’s a game of skill between two teams, involv­ing a ball and these metal -

One: Spare me. I was just using it as an exam­ple of some­thing that is meaningless.

Two: Not mean­ing­less at all. In some cir­cles you can get quite a lot of money for per­form­ing well at this game or pre­dict­ing who will.

One: I care not! I’m con­cerned with mat­ters of truth and beauty, not money!

Two: Well, if you can’t find beauty in foot­ball then I guess you’re “shit out of luck.”

One: How droll.

Two: Yes.

One: Any­way, my friends were no help.

Two: What did they say?

One: One of my friends told me to get a job.

(laugh­ter)

One: So you can imag­ine how I took that.

Two: Quite.

One: Another friend told me to volunteer.

Two: Oh? I’ve heard that can be quite rewarding.

One: Yes, well, I couldn’t help but make fun of the poor unforunate souls sent to me for help.

Two: Who sent them?

One: This guy. He think’s he’s so great.

Two: Which guy? If he runs a char­ity he prob­a­bly is great.

One: He’s not great. He likes watch­ing his wife get tied up and vio­lated by other men.

Two: Oh dear. That’s not pleas­ant at all.

One: So you see, I’ve looked every­where and I can’t help but feel that my pur­pose in life has been some­how lost.

Two: Well, maybe your pur­pose in life is merely to search?

One: How boring.

Two: Yes, quite.

(pause)

One: So do you want to go to the Titty Bar?

Two: I thought you’d never ask.

reasons to use a baseball bat

—You slept with my best friend.
—There was still some hum­mus in the fridge when I went to work this morn­ing.
—The front of my pants are now cov­ered in water that was recently in a pud­dle.
—You denied my mem­ber­ship appli­ca­tion to the condo board.

list

—Mother thinks I’m being irre­spon­si­ble.
—She wouldn’t like my new girl­friend.
—But Mother’s in a hos­pi­tal bed.
—She’s still proud of me.

list

—Play­ing check­ers with rub­ber gloves because you don’t want to dam­age your check­ers set.
—Rewrit­ing the lyrics to your favorite album so it no longer makes you sad.
—Giv­ing away all your aspar­tame.
—Mak­ing sure it’s fully drained.

list — Everything about my life is better than yours

—It’s true. Just look at my shirt. You would never be able to pull off this type of fab­ric.
—My girl­friend will flirt with you, but you’re never going to get any­where. Not with that kind of com­plex­ion.
—I speak with style. You speak by blow­ing hot air through your meat­flaps.
—I’m sorry, but that’s just the way things are.